Molehills and Mountains

Me and Mrs. Donaghy on top of a volcano in Hawaii on our honeymoon at sunrise.

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Have you ever been in the middle of doing something, let's say a project, and you suddenly realized that you may not have been doing it correctly and you had to go back and correct all the mistakes you'd made along the way?
I have, recently.

My wife and I have an amazing friendship, we have shared this same connection and love of being together since our first date on March 3rd 2000...I believe it's because of our great friendship that we don't fight a lot...I mean to say, not very often.

My wife and I joined the softball team of our church, neither of us are very athletic and we figured this would be fun a good way to make a better connection with each other and with our church community...best intentions of mice and men.

At our second practice with the team I noticed that my wife was not looking especially enthusiastic about running around and chasing after errant softballs...
So, I, the dork, who doesn't know anything about softball, decided to "encourage" my wife to "do better"...thinking that this "encouragement" would be welcomed and that she would all of a sudden feel more enthusiastic about running around and playing a sport that neither of us was really any good at in the first place...I was terribly, terribly wrong.

My wife took my attempted "encouragement" as me badgering her and pushing her and basically just being a jerk to her...I of course couldn't see that angle at all, for obvious reasons, I am a man, typically, my mind was on a rail.

My wife was upset for the rest of the practice and I was flabbergasted by her being upset at all, and so, we did not speak to each other for the whole car ride home as well as the rest of the afternoon...I assumed that she was just pissed about not being very comfortable playing the game and so I thought that a few hours of us being apart would do the trick and then things would be fine and she would come back and be all happy and loving...again, I was terribly, terribly wrong.

Later that evening my wife and I sat down on the couch, not looking at each other, not talking, just sitting and watching Seinfeld...until she turned to me and basically unloaded on me.

I will now point out all of the things that I did wrong over the course of our conversation...

1. When my wife said that my "encouragement" was not helpful and made her feel worse; I went on the offensive and said something incredibly dumb..."I was just trying to make you more confident by throwing the softball to you harder and faster" When I should have said, "I'm sorry, I guess I don't know much about softball either, I should have been paying more attention to how you were feeling about the whole thing." = I am retarded.

2. When my wife said that she was thinking about quitting the softball team because she "sucked"; I said "Maybe you should talk to the coach about quitting" Dumbass - If I had taken the stick out of my butt I would've said, "Honey, don't quit, you don't suck, you're awesome; I'll help you in any way I can, just don't quit, I want you to play with me on the team."

3. Over all, I blew this one, my attitude had gotten in the way of my wife and I making some real headway in communication with one another...damn me.

After we went toe-to-toe for a few hours; I realized that I WAS THE PROBLEM, she hadn't been upset about anything until I made it an issue, I apologized for being such an ass and not being genuinely encouraging and than we made up and made out.

The next day we went to the store and bought my wife a brand new softball glove and a brand new softball, we went to the park and tossed the ball back and forth and talked about everything and nothing for about an hour...it's all good.

Now, I don't share info about our private life so that you can see that I'm a jerk and my wife is an angel but rather so that those who want to know - Can Know - Marriage takes work, it is worth the effort, you are not always right, you are often wrong, and arguing can be educational and healing IF you want it to be...otherwise you are doomed.

Softball was of course, not the issue, the issue could have been anything, anything at all...the lesson was of course; Communication - and not just Communication but Understanding.

Be kind to one another, we're all we've got.