False and Destructive, On Friendship and Learning the Hard Way.
Every once in a while, when I see a person with a permanent frown on their face or someone being falsely nice; I'm reminded of a person that I'd like to forget about, "a friend", that I'm glad I no longer know...I'm glad because this person was (as far as I could tell) the spawn of Satan.
No, that's too harsh, she wasn't demon-seed, close, she was a cruel person.
Your question at this point would most likely be "Why would you let this person be a part of your life? Why would you call this person your friend?"
The answer: I was lonely in a new town and I needed a friend, any friend.
What I was too naive to know at that time in my life was that the people that I viewed as friends might not have viewed my friendship in the same un-assumed and genuine way that I did...I learned this lesson the hard way.
After I moved to San Diego and took the first job I could get, which was at Starbucks, I found that a girl I was working with seemed to be very friendly with me right from the start.
At the time I didn't have a care in the world except for making a buck and putting gas in my car, so it didn't occur to me that this girl may have a crush on me and I should tread lightly - or - working at Starbucks is just a friendly kind of place where it's just an automatic thing to be friends right away - or - she's just the friendly type and doesn't have any ulterior motives...
Boy, was I wrong.
Through working at Starbucks and knowing this girl, let's call her "Julie", I ended up meeting a friend of Julie's that came in one day for a drink...Julie's friend was Lindsay...Linds and I hit it off pretty much from the start and it seemed like Julie was all about us being together, even to the point that she planned for us to have our first semi-date by going out together with Julie and a bunch of her friends...I thought this was a great idea, of course I did, I had no idea what was going on, I was just happy that people that I'd only just met seemed to be showing a genuine interest in me being happy.
Long story shorter, Linds ended up moving into an apartment with Julie and another friend, so naturally I was at that apartment all the time...I was practically living there because I was over hanging out with Linds so much...
Life was great for a few months and then an unexpected (but really cool) thing happened; Lindsay started to love me and got really comfortable, comfortable enough to unload about all of the things in life that bugged her...it didn't take her long to confide in me that Julie had always treated Lindsay poorly.
I wouldn't know the full extent of how poorly Julie treated her so-called friends until Lindsay came to me one night with a dark cloud over her head and an even darker mood...
It took me almost an hour of quiet comfort and tactfully posed questions until Lindsay opened up to me and told me what was really bothering her.
Linds began to unfold a lifetime of memories and stories, of what I can only call mental-abuse, that was pushed on her by Julie since the time they'd known each other, which had been since they were practically toddlers.
Now, I'm not talking about anything truly serious as far as this sort of abuse goes, but it was serious enough for Lindsay to hold it inside her until she was almost out of her teens before she finally confided in another person that because of Julie's "Friendship" Lindsay felt degraded and small, unintelligent, unattractive and unloved...I held Linds for what must have been almost 3 hours while she cried into my shoulder and let years of private anguish pour out of her.
As much as I would like to say that things improved after Linds and I had this shared moment of healing, I can't; things got worse.
Julie seemed to realize that I had become Lindsay's best friend and so Julie began to treat me differently, coldly...No more buddy-buddy talk while at work, no more questions about how Linds and I were getting along...No more friendship.
What happened next should not have come as a surprise, but as I said before, I was very naive.
1. Julie lied about my work practices to her superiors and I got fired from Starbucks the next day...The war had begun.
2. Julie pitted herself and her new boyfriend (one of my new friends) against Lindsay, myself and the other roommate who was now Lindsay's very best friend...The war was in full swing.
3. Julie lied about me to Lindsay in an attempt to break us up...Revenge had become the rule of the day.
4. Julie lied to Lindsay's friends and family about our relationship and told everybody that I was an abusive, alcoholic and that she feared for Lindsay's safety...Character assassination was now common place.
5. I found out months later that Julie had told all of my friends and customers from work that I was in love with her and that Lindsay had stolen me away from her by being a slut...Unbelievable.
No, that's too harsh, she wasn't demon-seed, close, she was a cruel person.
Your question at this point would most likely be "Why would you let this person be a part of your life? Why would you call this person your friend?"
The answer: I was lonely in a new town and I needed a friend, any friend.
What I was too naive to know at that time in my life was that the people that I viewed as friends might not have viewed my friendship in the same un-assumed and genuine way that I did...I learned this lesson the hard way.
After I moved to San Diego and took the first job I could get, which was at Starbucks, I found that a girl I was working with seemed to be very friendly with me right from the start.
At the time I didn't have a care in the world except for making a buck and putting gas in my car, so it didn't occur to me that this girl may have a crush on me and I should tread lightly - or - working at Starbucks is just a friendly kind of place where it's just an automatic thing to be friends right away - or - she's just the friendly type and doesn't have any ulterior motives...
Boy, was I wrong.
Through working at Starbucks and knowing this girl, let's call her "Julie", I ended up meeting a friend of Julie's that came in one day for a drink...Julie's friend was Lindsay...Linds and I hit it off pretty much from the start and it seemed like Julie was all about us being together, even to the point that she planned for us to have our first semi-date by going out together with Julie and a bunch of her friends...I thought this was a great idea, of course I did, I had no idea what was going on, I was just happy that people that I'd only just met seemed to be showing a genuine interest in me being happy.
Long story shorter, Linds ended up moving into an apartment with Julie and another friend, so naturally I was at that apartment all the time...I was practically living there because I was over hanging out with Linds so much...
Life was great for a few months and then an unexpected (but really cool) thing happened; Lindsay started to love me and got really comfortable, comfortable enough to unload about all of the things in life that bugged her...it didn't take her long to confide in me that Julie had always treated Lindsay poorly.
I wouldn't know the full extent of how poorly Julie treated her so-called friends until Lindsay came to me one night with a dark cloud over her head and an even darker mood...
It took me almost an hour of quiet comfort and tactfully posed questions until Lindsay opened up to me and told me what was really bothering her.
Linds began to unfold a lifetime of memories and stories, of what I can only call mental-abuse, that was pushed on her by Julie since the time they'd known each other, which had been since they were practically toddlers.
Now, I'm not talking about anything truly serious as far as this sort of abuse goes, but it was serious enough for Lindsay to hold it inside her until she was almost out of her teens before she finally confided in another person that because of Julie's "Friendship" Lindsay felt degraded and small, unintelligent, unattractive and unloved...I held Linds for what must have been almost 3 hours while she cried into my shoulder and let years of private anguish pour out of her.
As much as I would like to say that things improved after Linds and I had this shared moment of healing, I can't; things got worse.
Julie seemed to realize that I had become Lindsay's best friend and so Julie began to treat me differently, coldly...No more buddy-buddy talk while at work, no more questions about how Linds and I were getting along...No more friendship.
What happened next should not have come as a surprise, but as I said before, I was very naive.
1. Julie lied about my work practices to her superiors and I got fired from Starbucks the next day...The war had begun.
2. Julie pitted herself and her new boyfriend (one of my new friends) against Lindsay, myself and the other roommate who was now Lindsay's very best friend...The war was in full swing.
3. Julie lied about me to Lindsay in an attempt to break us up...Revenge had become the rule of the day.
4. Julie lied to Lindsay's friends and family about our relationship and told everybody that I was an abusive, alcoholic and that she feared for Lindsay's safety...Character assassination was now common place.
5. I found out months later that Julie had told all of my friends and customers from work that I was in love with her and that Lindsay had stolen me away from her by being a slut...Unbelievable.
Inspite of everything that happened, Lindsay and I stayed strong, we eventually cut ourselves off completely from Julie and anyone that knew her or came in contact with her, we got our own place and a few years later we got married...And there you go.
Now, I could call Julie a lot of foul and hurtful names to show you how I feel about her and how she treated Lindsay, me and every other person that knew her...but I'm all cursed out when it comes to Julie...Instead I'm telling you this story to make a simple point that I'm still learning...
Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.
Now, I could call Julie a lot of foul and hurtful names to show you how I feel about her and how she treated Lindsay, me and every other person that knew her...but I'm all cursed out when it comes to Julie...Instead I'm telling you this story to make a simple point that I'm still learning...
Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.
posted by Benji at 9:39 AM
2 Comments:
Abusive relationships - I can run a website on that one! I've also learned the hard way...
There are two things required for an abusive relationship - a person who abuses, and someone to accept the abuse. An abusive person acts like thatthey do, because of a reason, making the abused pay for that reason.
By accepting abuse, one does not help the abuser. Until the abuser acquires the insight that they have a problem, nothing you do will change them. Every person is special and unique, and there is no reason to accept abuse.
Lat
what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.
that doesn't mean that it won't suck balls when it's happening to you, but it will make you stronger in the long run.
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